Alright, so Kimberly-Clark’s buying Kenvue, the company that owns Tylenol, Band-Aid, and Listerine. $48.7 billion, they say. Sounds like a lot of money changing hands for… what exactly? More of the same crap we're already drowning in.
Let's be real, does anyone actually believe in competition anymore? This ain't capitalism; it's just a few mega-corps trading assets like baseball cards. Kimberly-Clark gets Kenvue, Kenvue shareholders get some cash and stock… and we, the consumers, get to keep buying the same overpriced garbage, thinking we have a choice.
They’re spinning this as a “global health and wellness leader” being created. Oh, please. It’s just fewer people making decisions about what ends up on our shelves.
“With a shared commitment to developing science and technology to provide extraordinary care, we will serve billions of consumers across every stage of life,” says Kimberly-Clark CEO Mike Hsu.
Translation: "We're gonna use slightly different chemicals and marketing slogans to keep you hooked from cradle to grave, and we'll rake in the profits."
And get this – they're expecting $2.1 billion in "synergies." Synergies, my ass. That's code for layoffs and cutting corners on quality.
Oh, and let's not forget Kenvue’s recent brush with… uh… alternative facts. Remember when Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was flapping his gums about Tylenol causing autism? Yeah, that was fun for Kenvue.
And then there's the CEO switcheroo. Thibaut Mongon bounced right in the middle of a “strategic review,” and now Kirk Perry is holding the interim CEO spot. What kind of ship are we talking about here?
I mean, are we really supposed to believe that all these big-shot CEOs are masterminds? Or are they just shuffling around the deck chairs on the Titanic, hoping to grab a bigger bonus before it all goes down?
Speaking of the Titanic, I had a plumber over last week to fix a leaky faucet. Charged me $300 for 15 minutes of work. Said he "had to cover his overhead." Give me a break.
They're promising "compelling strategic benefits" like "exceptional complementarity across categories and geographies." What the hell does that even mean? It means they can sell you diapers and diarrhea medicine under the same corporate umbrella.
Shares of Kimberly-Clark took a nosedive before the market even opened, while Kenvue's stock jumped. That pretty much sums it up, don't you think? Wall Street wins, and the rest of us are left holding the bag... again.
This deal is supposed to close in the second half of next year. Plenty of time for something to go wrong, or for them to find even more ways to squeeze a few extra pennies out of us.
It's all about consolidation. More power in fewer hands. Less real choice for consumers. And a whole lot of corporate doublespeak to make it sound like it’s a good thing. Wake me up when something actually changes.
